Most leaders don’t even know the game they are in

 so I'm embarrassed that I have a career.I talk about things like trust and cooperation and there should be no demand for my work .but the fact of the matter is, there is demand for my work. which means that there's an opportunity.it means that trust and cooperation are not yet standard in our organizations and yet they should be and we know that. which is why we're looking for ways to bring those things to our organizations.  So I thought I would do something a little different today .you know when you're speaking to tens of thousands of people and you have the opportunity to share a message.  Of course, most rational people would say l”et's go with something I've talked about lots of times and I'm really good at” but I'm not normal . So, I'm gonna do something completely new and I hope this works out. There are two things that I think that great leaders need to have.E mpathy and perspective. And I think these things are very often forgotten. Leaders are so often so concerned about their status of their position in organization .They  actually forget their real job and the real job of a leader is not about being in charge .It's about taking care of those in our charge and I don't think people realize this and I don't think people train for this. When we're junior our only responsibility is to be good at our jobs .That's all we really have to do and some people actually go get advanced education and so that they can be really good at their jobs .Accountants or whatever. Right? and you show up and you work hard and the company will give us tons and tons of training how to do our jobs .They'll show us how to use the software .They'll send us away for a few days to get trained in whatever it is that we're doing for the company and then they expect us to go be good at our jobs and that's what we do. We work very hard and if you're good at your job .They'll promote you and at some point you'll get promoted to position where we're now responsible for the people who do the job we used to do .  But nobody shows us how to do that and that's why we get managers and not leaders. Because the reason our managers ,micro managing us is because they actually do know how to do the job better than us .That's what got them promoted .Really what we have to do is go through a transition .Some people make it quickly , Some people make it slowly and unfortunately some people will never make that transition at all . Which is we have to go this through this transition of being responsible for the job and then turning it to somebody who's now responsible for the people who are responsible for the job and as I said before one of the great things that is lacking in most of our companies is that they are not teaching us how to lead .leadership is a skill like any other .It is a practicable and learnable skill and it is something that if you work on. it's like a muscle if you practice it all the days , you will get good at it and you will get become a strong leader .If you stop practicing you will become a weak leader.
Like parenting everyone has the capacity to be a parent .doesn't mean everybody wants to be a parent and doesn't mean everybody shouldn't be a parent. Leadership is the same .We all have the capacity to be a leader .doesn't mean everybody should be a leader and it doesn't mean everybody wants to be a leader and the reason is because it comes at great personal sacrifice. Remember you're not in charge, you're responsible for those in your charge. that means things like when everything goes right you have to give away all the credit and when everything goes wrong you have to take all the responsibility. that sucks . Right? it's things like staying late to show somebody what to do.It's things like when something does actually break when something goes wrong ,instead of yelling and screaming and taking over you say try again .when the overwhelming pressures are not on them the overwhelming pressures are on us . At the end of the day great leaders are not responsible for the job .They're responsible for the people who are responsible for the job. They're not even responsible for the results. I love talking to CEOs and say “what's your Priority? and they put their hands on their hips all proud and say “my priority is my customer”. I'm like really? you even talk to a customer in 15 years. There's no CEO on the planet responsible for the customer .They're just not. They're responsible for the people who responsible for the people who responsible for the customer.
I'll tell you a true story a few months ago I stayed at the Four Seasons in Las Vegas. It is a wonderful hotel and the reason ,it's a wonderful hotel is not because of the fancy beds . Any hotel can go and buy a fancy bed. The reason , it's a wonderful hotel is because of the people who work there. If you walk past somebody at the Four Seasons and this and they say hello to you. You get the feeling that they actually wanted to say hello to you . It's not that somebody told them that you have to say hello to all the customers. say hello to all the guests. Right? you actually feel that they care now .In their Lobby they have a coffee stand and I one afternoon I went to buy a cup of coffee and there was a barista by the name of Noah who was serving me . Noah was fantastic he was friendly and fun and hewas engaging with me and I had so much fun buying a cup of coffee. I actually think I gave 100 percent tip right . He was wonderful .So, as is my nature , I asked Noah “do you like your job” and without skipping a beat Noah says “I love my job” and so I followed up .I said “what is it that the four seasons is doing that would make you say to me I love my job?” and without skipping a beat Noah said “throughout the day managers will walk past me and ask me how I'm doing if there's anything that I need to do my job better.He said not just my manager any manager and then he said something magical.He says “I also work at Caesars Palace and at Caesar's Palace the managers are trying to make sure we're doing everything right .They catch us when we do things wrong . He says when I go to work there I like to keep my head under the radar and just get through the day so I can get my paycheck he says here at the Four Seasons I feel I can be myself same person entirely different experience from the from the customer who will engage with Noah so we in leadership are always criticizing the people we're always saying we've got to get the right people on buzz I've got to fill my wrong my team I gotta get the right people but the reality is it's not the people it's the leadership if we create the right? environment we will get people like Noah at the four seasons If we create the wrong environment. We will get people like Noah at Caesar's Palace .It's not the people and yet we're so quick to hire and fire .you can't hire and fire your children . If there's if your kids are struggling we don't say “you got to see at school you're up for adoption” so why is it that when somebody has performance problems at work .why is it that our instinct is to say you're out ?
we do not practice empathy .What does empathy look like? here's the lack of empathy.This is normal in our business world . You walk into someone's office someone walks into our office and says your numbers have been down for the third quarter in a row you have to pick up your numbers otherwise I can't guarantee what the future will look like. How inspired you think that person is to come to work the next day? Here's what empathy looks like .You walk into someone's office someone walks into your office and says your numbers are down for the third quarter in a row .Are you okay? I'm worried about you .what's going on? We all have performance issues. Maybe someone's kid is sick .Maybe they're having problems in their marriage .Maybe one of their parents is dying .We don't know what's going on in their lives and of course it will affect performance at work .
Empathy is being concerned about the human being .Not just their output and we have to practice empathy and one of the groups that we are pretty bad at practicing empathy with is our young Millennials. So let me show you what empathy looks like. Listening to understand .Trying to nderstand someone's point of view and disposition . A hundred percent of the talks that I give her the meetings that I have invariably someone will raise their hand and ask about the Millennial problem. Apparently this young generation is un-lendable .Apparently they have confounded every single company in every single industry and so now it's at the point where companies have given up and are now just asked Millennials what do you want and so they say we want free food and bean bags and so now every company has free food and bean bags and guess what nothing has changed . So what I thought we would do .what I thought, I would do is show you what empathy looks like how do we practice empathy with someone we don't understand ? How do we practice empathy with an organization or a group that we're struggling with ? Right? So we have to understand that it  breaks down to four things. I've broken it down into parenting ,technology, impatience and environment. Let's talk about parenting .First too many Millennials have grown up subject to what has been described as a failed parenting strategy .Too many of them ,were told as they were growing up that they were special that they can have whatever they want just because they want it . They got medals for coming in last .They got participation medals. Right? and the science and this is already good we know that.If devalues the feeling that somebody who works hard and comes in first place and it actually makes the person who comes in last embarrassed because they know they don't deserve it .  So , it actually makes them feel worse .It actually doesn't help. There are a lot of kids who got into honors classes not because they deserved it but because their parents complained and they got A's nothing because they earned them but because the teachers didn't want to deal with the parents. Right? then those kids graduate and go and they start a job and in an instant they find out that they're not special .That you don't get anything just because you want it .You get nothing for coming in last and your parents cannot help you get a promotion and in an instant their entire self-image is completely shattered .In an instance the way they view themselves has completely changed. Turned on its head .So what you find is that there's an entire generation growing up with lower self-esteem than previous generations. Remember! they have grown up in an Instagram , Facebook  , Snapchat world in which they are very , very good at putting filters on everything .They're very  , very good at curating how they want to be seen and we think they're full of confidence they seem to have all the answers they seem to be telling us what to do at the end of the day it's just not there it's just not true it's just not true their confidence is a lot weaker than before . They don't know where they're coming from .They don't know where they're going. They're unsure of themselves and they lack the courage to ask we say things “like my door is always open assume assuming that they have the courage to walk through the door number one Then we add in technology. There's a chemical in our body called “Dopamine”. Dopamine is responsible for the feelings we get .When we find something we're looking for or we accomplish something we set out to accomplish .You know that great feeling you get when you cross something off your to-do list .when you win the game. when you hit the target right .when the client get the promotion . Whatever it is .That elation find your keys . That elation comes from a chemical in our body called Dopamine . Right? Now other substances, other things that release Dopamine include alcohol , nicotine gambling .They go that's what makes us feel good when we engage with those things and it's the root of a lot of addiction In fact almost every alcoholic on the planet discovered alcohol when they were teenagers. You see when we're very  , very young the only approval we need is approval from our parents and then as we go through adolescence we now crave the approval of our peers very frustrating for our parents . Very important for us .It allows us to acculturate outside of our immediate families into the larger tribe. Very ,very important! Right? it's a time of high stress and high anxiety and we're supposed to learn to rely on our friends . Some people quite by accident discover alcohol and the numbing effects of Dopamine to help them cope with the stress and that becomes hardwired and then for the rest of their lives when
they suffer some kind of extreme stress , they don't turn to a person .they turn to the bottle. Right? now we also know that ِDopamine is released with cell phones and social media . So that Bing bass but flashing beep that we get from our phones that feels so good it releases dopamine we like getting it Yes we all hate all the emails but we love the Bing. Right ? we've all been in this position .you know you're feeling a little bit down .You're feeling a little bit sorry .Maybe feeling a little bit sad so what do we do ? We send out ten texts to ten friends .hi , hi  ,hi  ,hi , hi and we hope that they write back because it feels good. Right? so now we have a young generation with basically unfettered access to social media and cell phones.We have age restrictions on alcohol .We have age restrictions on smoking and we have age restrictions on gambling. We have no age restrictions on this other Dopamine producing device called social media or cell phones. It's the equivalent of throwing open the liquor cabinet and telling our young adolescents “I know this is a stressful time try the vodka it'll get you through these hard times” That's basically what we're doing and so what's happening is . It's becoming hardwired where our young generation isn't learning the coping skills and coping mechanisms to turn to another human being when they're struggling or stressed they're turning to social media or their cell phones . Their self-worth sometimes becomes wrapped up and how many likes they get they obsessively check how many likes somebody likes how many likes and actually will get depressed if they don't get any .You see them going out with their friends and instead of connecting with their friends they will simply sit and talk on the phone . Let me show you something that's really powerful .Can I borrow your phone please? there's one right there in between you .just let me borrow that for a sec. I'm asking you to give me somebody else's phone .You don't have to turn it on.  I just need it .Thank you .So let me show you the subconscious power of this Device. what if I were to hold my phone while I'm giving this presentation. I'm not checking it .It's not buzzing .It's not beeping .I'm simply holding it .Do you feel like you're the most important thing to me right now? no you do not and this is an artificial environment .
Now think about how often this phone is out while we're talking to other people.Hey boss can I talk to you sure what's on your mind as opposed to sure what's on your mind. we go out for dinner or lunch with our family and our friends .we have meetings and we put the phone on the table which sends a subconscious message to everybody else in the room that this is not that important to me .you're not that important to me and by the way putting your phone upside down is not more polite. This is this is my favorite one where the phone rings in the middle of dinner in the middle of a lunch in the middle of a meeting and somebody goes I'm not gonna answer it oh my god is so magnanimous right thank you right put it away keep it away because what it does is it actually hurts our ability to relate to each other now you look at young kids these days they're on them all the time I don't blame them it is addiction we yell and scream at them but we like yelling and screaming and an alcoholic it doesn't help the fact that it's a chemical addiction right so you take an insecure generation that now through no fault of their own struggles to cope with the stress they don't know how to cope with and deal with stress and as they have told me many of them will admit that they struggle to form deep meaningful relationships they will admit that many of their friendships are superficial right that their friends they know would cancel on them if they get a better plan that they wouldn't really know who to talk to if they get depressed and maybe they'll turn to an online support group which is not a real thing it's not human right and we've seen the impact of this we're starting to see rises of depression in this generation we're starting to see rise of suicide in this eneration we're starting to see a rise of accidental death due to drug overdose from this generation universities are currently dealing with an epidemic that they've never dealt with before which is the number of kids requesting leaves of absence due to depression right now those are all extreme examples the less extreme and more likely example is that someone will go through life just never really finding joy or fulfillment and everything's just fine how's your job that's fine how are your friends you know there fine but no joint because you just cannot because joy fulfillment comes from this it comes from human interaction we are social animals and we need it and we have to learn to rely on our friends and that skill is desperately lacking so you add in the next one impatience this generation is often accused of being entitled and if you've worked with any of them before sure seems that way but I would argue that we're miss reading the tea leaves they're not entitled they're impatient again let's practice empathy how did they grow up they grew up in a world of instant gratification you want to buy something you go in Amazon it shows up the next day you want to watch a movie you don't check movie times you just log on and download it whenever you want to watch it stream it right you want to watch a TV show you don't wait week to week to week just finish watch for the weekend in fact if you want to get hold of somebody you don't leave a message on their machine and wait for hours for them to get the message and call you back you just text them and they'll call you they'll get back to literally instantaneously heck if you want to go .....